The Husband Is Head Of His Wife?
I would like to take the opportunity to discuss traditional marriage values, bearing in mind the origins of these values: Christianity. These notions are scrutinized in modern society because of phrases like "subordinate" and "the husband is head of his wife". I know those values are off-putting. When the apostle Paul wrote these instructions for the Ephesians he said, "this is a great mystery". In other words, yes, it's wild. But trust me and give me a chance to explain. Because if our Creator is literally giving us the secret recipe to a healthy marriage, let's at least give it a try.
My Own Marriage, One Year In
When my husband and I were first married I lacked a lot of maturity. I used to pick for fights about silly things. I think insecurities from previous relationships were holding me back and I expected him to not love me or not be faithful. While sweet and patient, there really wasn't anything he could do. I had to learn on my own how to be a wife and foster the kind of marriage that would make me feel secure.
The problem is nobody is teaching our youth how to be a good wife or husband. That used to be a part of a child's upbringing. Nobody is sitting us down to give us the course material, and when it's time to get married we focus on wedding planning and then the actual marriage (test) starts and most fail.
I realized that I had to study this topic and catch up. I read books, listened to podcasts, had coffee with more "seasoned" wives and I read Bible passages that instructed husbands and wives.
What Does Subordinate Mean?
I would like to take the opportunity to discuss traditional marriage values, bearing in mind the origins of these values: Christianity. These notions are scrutinized in modern society because of phrases like "subordinate" and "the husband is head of his wife". I know those values are off-putting. When the apostle Paul wrote these instructions for the Ephesians he said, "this is a great mystery". In other words, yes, it's wild. But trust me and give me a chance to explain. Because if our Creator is literally giving us the secret recipe to a healthy marriage, let's at least give it a try.
My Own Marriage, One Year In
When my husband and I were first married I lacked a lot of maturity. I used to pick for fights about silly things. I think insecurities from previous relationships were holding me back and I expected him to not love me or not be faithful. While sweet and patient, there really wasn't anything he could do. I had to learn on my own how to be a wife and foster the kind of marriage that would make me feel secure.
The problem is nobody is teaching our youth how to be a good wife or husband. That used to be a part of a child's upbringing. Nobody is sitting us down to give us the course material, and when it's time to get married we focus on wedding planning and then the actual marriage (test) starts and most fail.
I realized that I had to study this topic and catch up. I read books, listened to podcasts, had coffee with more "seasoned" wives and I read Bible passages that instructed husbands and wives.
What Does Subordinate Mean?
The Biblical chapter "Wives and Husbands" starts off with the most important rule: "Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ." A lot of people throw a fit and close their Bible after the next rule... "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything." Did that sting? Keep reading.
The term "subordinate", or "to submit", literally means "to be under the mission".
Wives are not being coerced into abuse or anything toxic. They are submitting to a chain of command that all leads to God's will. The husband receives his mission from God and wives follow suit.
So, that begs the question... what is man's mission? It is laid out in the following sentences.
A Man's God-Given Mission
A man's God-given mission is to cherish his wife.
"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body."
That's a mission I can get behind.
A man's mission is to love his wife so fiercely that he will hand over his flesh for her sake, because by saving her he is saving himself.
So, when women are asked to submit to their husbands' missions, we are asked to accept his love and his sacrifice. We are asked to allow him to defend our homes and our livelihood and carry our families on a path that leads to heaven.
Whose Burden Is Greater?
I think the appropriate answer is: men and women both have upstanding tasks laid out for them, and all of these burdens deserve equal praise.
But, let's be real.
On some bad days, we may be feeling too frustrated or hormonal to say, "I know it's tough being away from your family all day and the work is exhausting but thank you for everything you do for this family. You are such a respectable and loving man". Wives are often tempted to control their husbands.
But... husbands have sworn an oath to God that they will die for one woman. That's intense. And these days it's hardly recognized. Men love us so much that they are patient even in a time where most of the western world is demonizing their most honorable traits.
What Kind Of Women Are Men Looking For?
Earlier this year I plainly asked my husband what he wanted me to be- what he considered to be the ideal wife. We were watching "1923" at the time. He pointed to the screen and said "her" (referring to Cara Dutton's character in the show)
Not someone with fleeting beauty or an under-appreciated career in the workforce. He wants what we refer to as a "Proverbs wife"
Proverbs, Chapter 31: 10-31
Who can find a woman of worth? Far beyond jewels is her value. Her husband trusts her judgment; he does not lack income. She brings him profit, not loss, all the days of her life. She seeks out wool and flax and weaves with skillful hands. Like a merchant fleet, she secures her provisions from afar. She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household, a portion to her maidservants. She picks out a field and acquires it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength; she exerts her arms with vigor. She enjoys the profit from her dealings; her lamp is never extinguished at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle. She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy. She is not concerned for her household when it snows— all her charges are doubly clothed. She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing. Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land. She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs at the days to come. She opens her mouth in wisdom; kindly instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband, too, praises her: “Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all.” Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Acclaim her for the work of her hands, and let her deeds praise her at the city gates.
I'm sure men prefer to be attracted to their wives and also appreciate being loved by them but the first thing men truly want from their spouse is to be respected. That fact is irrevocable and there is no use trying to change the way men are wired, just like there's no use trying to un-wire women from a deep desire to be loved.
I believe the second thing men want is enough maturity from their wife that they can have peace leaving their home. Leaving a home "defenseless" is a vulnerable place for a man. He needs a woman to provide that security in his place. So when a husband urges his wife to carve time to practice at the gun range, I'd tell wives to realize it is out of love and say "absolutely, I respect that decision."
I believe the third thing men want is a virtuous woman and, for that, I would point women to that Proverbs passage and ask them to make a list from it. Practice one thing on the list every month. At the end of the year you will have progressed in so many ways and your husband will notice.
My Own Marriage, 5 Years In
When we were dropping off my husband for his deployment I saw the young girls, probably still in high school, who were in pain. They were clinging to their men with such desperation and uncertainty and I empathize with that. I've been there. It reminded me of my own high school relationship.
I wish I could tell those girls, "don't push him, don't accuse him, don't demand things from him. He has sworn no oath to you or to God. But if you want that from him, if you want him to truly cherish you, then throughout this deployment just remind him that you respect what he is doing and you think he's doing a great job. Remind him of your loyalty and tell him you are looking for a respectable man to marry. But don't whine and be a nuisance. Be respectable. He will either recognize you as a woman worth cherishing, or you can find a more suitable man."
I've had my quarter-life crisis, I've birthed two children without medication, I've moved across the world... I'm coming up on 5 years of marriage with a lot of growing pains under my belt.
This year I only get to see my husband about 3 months out of the entire year. I can't imagine the turmoil I'd be going through if I was the girl I was 5 years ago- insecure and emotional. There's no room for that in a marriage. You can't keep someone up for hours on a phone call.
When I dropped my husband off, sure, I had a pit in my stomach. I felt pain and anger and sadness. I will forever have a horrifying image of my husband saying goodbye to our kids and telling my two year old he's "the man of the house now". But I don't show that. I gave him a firm kiss and sent him on his way. When he got on the bus we made funny faces at each other. He knows our home is in good hands. When he calls and says something I may not agree with, I move on if it's something out of my control. I choose to smile when I don't feel like it. I love him fiercely even when I'm feeling hormonal because how much would it suck for him to call home and be treated any less? Things are smooth and painless now because of the simple absolutes... "I respect you" and "I love you".
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"Woman was made from the rib of a man. Not from his head to top him. Nor his foot to be stepped on by him. But from his side to be equal to him. Under his arm to be protected by him. And near his heart to be loved by him."
-- Jacqui Crippes