I have had a few conversations with friends and acquaintances this week that really made me sit down and ponder the idea of a relationship, why people get into relationships, and why most of them fail in the modern age.
Given the fact that most people today (especially here in America) no longer value things of substance, we are a culture that is consumed in the here and now, often not thinking about the future and the consequences of our actions in the present moment.
Now, I will be the first one to admit that part of life is just being able to let go and live in the present moment and just be.
While I do think that most people would agree that we should all live in the present moment and enjoy life, I believe most people get confused living in the moment to seek pleasure, as opposed to just being.
Flying around the world and sleeping with a bunch of women just because you can is not "living life" - it is degeneracy.
Women wanting to live out their "hot girl summer" and live out their hoe phases just because they think they deserve it is not "living life" - it is degrading and degenerate behavior.
Oftentimes, people are unaware of the consequences their current actions will play out for them in the future.
If you are one that is constantly out to seek pleasure, you are never going to be happy because nothing of genuine substance brings you any peace.
If you are one that is constantly living in the past, then you close yourself off from being able to be open and accepting of something genuine in the future.
This is often why men are particularly interested in a woman's past - he wants to know where she has been and what makes her who she is.
The same way a woman is more interested in a man's future and where he is going in life, men are more interested in where a woman has been.
In today's day in age of dating, there are many women who I have found to be living very similar lives in their own ways.
Simply put, there are many women out there who all share extremely similar experiences and end up living very similar lives even though they are different in who they are as people.
I have seen through my personal experiences, behavioral patterns that women tend to have after they have been through some sort of emotional trauma, typically caused by men.
While women have different experiences in their lives, they often have very common and parallel stories in terms of what happened to them in their past, the kind of men they attract, and how they can't seem to get out of it.
What I have found is that the more trauma a woman has been through, the harder it is for her to be open to something genuine.
I have discussed about trauma and its effects on the mind in previous blogs so I will not get into the nitty gritty of it today, but understanding how trauma works can help one make sense of why someone is the way that they are.
Women will oftentimes be aware of their past trauma, understand why they act the way that they do, and still have no idea how to fix it.
I do sympathize with women who end up in a toxic merry-go-round, especially if they had no male fatherly figure growing up to give them the love that they needed.
I sympathize because these women have been failed by a man from the very beginning and they had absolutely no control over it.
So naturally they slip into a cycle of seeking out the male approval and the love they have always needed from a man and often can't find it or they attract shitty men that end up rejecting them.
Then, the cycle continues, she attracts more shitty men that end up rejecting her, then she becomes more emotionally closed off and insecure because she can't find the one thing she has always needed.
Every child needs love from their parents growing up - it is the only way that child will grow up and understand what it means to actually be loved by another person.
No person should ever have to beg for someone else to love them because they had a shitty upbringing that they had absolutely no control over.
Which, brings me to my next point - just because you can't control what happened to you in your childhood, doesn't mean it isn't still your problem to deal with.
If you are a woman and your father walked out on you as a child, or treated you like shit, or lost him due to whatever reasons, it is not your fault that he was not there to take care of you and give you the love that you needed.
It is not your fault for you wanting and seeking the one thing that you never got that you always wanted.
However, it is still your problem to deal with...
There are things in life we have no control over that do effect our well-being, but we have to be the ones to deal with the consequences and it is our job to deal with them in a professional manner so that past traumas do not effect future results.
Oftentimes, women with past traumas are in search for a good man who will treat them like a lady and give them the love they have always wanted.
Oftentimes, women will fall short of meeting a man like this or if they do meet a good man, she often self-sabotages herself because she is used to toxicity - she is used to shitty men rejecting her.
Rejection from shitty weak men are what women with past emotional trauma are familiar with - love from a good man is not.
When a chaotic women finds herself a calm and peaceful man, she will often grow bored and go back to chasing the toxicity that she is familiar with.
While there may be some women that read this and will say they want a good man, their actions will say otherwise.
Granted, this isn't always the case because there are some women that genuinely do grow out of their past and are finally accepting of the love of a good man.
But from my past experiences, women that I have talked to, men that I have talked to who have dated similar women, all pretty much resort back to the same result - she goes back to chasing the toxic men that she is used to.
I often ponder the question as to why a woman would want to go back to chasing shitty men when there are good men out there - I have been pondering this question for a majority of my life.
When an anxious woman meets a good man, does she often feel like she doesn't deserve him and end up self-sabotaging herself?
What I have found is that oftentimes women recognize what is wrong, they recognize where the trauma lies, but they do nothing to change their behavior.
Their behavior simply stays the same because they have not fully relieved themselves of their past.
I truly believe that every woman deserves a chance, but it doesn't come without work from her end.
A woman must be able to relieve herself from her past if she is ever going to be open and accepting of something genuine in her future.
Past traumas have subconscious effects on the brain and effect peoples thoughts and actions in real time.
The only way one combats these subconscious thoughts and actions is by changing their behavior.
If you often find yourself unhappy in your current situation and you do nothing to change your behavior, then you lack the capacity to learn.
It isn't until one physically changes their behavior will they then begin to experience different results and be able to take action towards something more genuine.
Do you really think therapy is the answer? Paying someone to talk about your problems with you?
What people need are solutions and guidance in actions to solve their problems, not continue to talk about them and re-hash trauma responses.
Talking about things with someone only feels good temporarily until it hits you again and you go right back to feeling like shit.
It is only through action and change of behavior that one actually fixes their current state.
Are you tired of attracting weak men? Stop posting yourself half naked online or going out to the club to seek attention from men - this is a simple solution to a simple problem.
A woman must relieve herself from her past if she is ever going to open herself up to being with a good man the same way a man NEEDS to be driven to be open and accepting of a good woman.
If you are ashamed of your past and feel like you can't share certain things with your partner, you still have a lot of work to do.
Your partner should know everything about you and you know everything about them and you accept each other for being who you are - this is how trust is built.
Start taking action to change your behavior so that you can take control of your life instead of letting your life control you.